To all the men reading this newsletter – this is based on my own experience and countless conversations with both men and women on this subject. It’s my own guide on how to improve your sex life and the satisfaction that comes from it.
To all the women reading this newsletter – let me know what your experience is like. Let me know if you disagree or if I have missed anything of importance.
There are a few experiences, if any, that are better than sex. It’s complete satisfaction on a physical, emotional, and sensual level. Although… only when done right. The problem is – what is right?
Let’s start at the beginning.
There are countless articles about the importance of foreplay in sex. Kissing, fingering, nipple play, oral sex… as if you’d go straight for a blow-job the moment you enter the room. No! There’s a whole segment missing here. That is the pre-foreplay game. I call it “the set-up”.
The set-up is the preparation for the event. It’s getting all the right elements in place for an unforgettable experience.
What are you wearing? Are you dressed up in something sexy, attractive, attention-grabbing, classy? It’s a great disappointment when I see in bars and restaurants a woman dressed up to the nines, and then the man next to her in jeans and a white T, or even worse – shorts and a ball cap. Do you realize how much effort she has put into looking the best she can? She took an hour or more to do the hair, make-up, select the right outfit, the right accessories, shoes… Only to be met with a guy who may-or-may-not has showered and threw on what was at hand. Even if it’s a partner you know for a while (or are married to), even if the date is at your place – pay attention, show respect, put in some effort.
Create an atmosphere that feels comfortable, sexy, inspiring. If you are at your place, set up the right light, music, prepare cocktails, have some sexy tapas for snacks. If you are at her place, bring a nice bottle, flowers, chocolates. Never go empty-handed. If you are meeting at a bar, choose a nice bar, make the reservations yourself. Show her that you were thinking about her long before you met. It matters. Not only for her. It will really make you think about her long before you meet, which will build up anticipation and excitement. It will put you in the right mindset and clear your head of the day-to-day stuff that’s been preoccupying you.
Give her compliments. Notice what she is wearing. Acknowledge her beauty, her effort, her presence. It doesn’t matter if it’s your first date, or you’ve been married for 20+ years. It’s even more important to do it with your long-term partner. Every day. In that case, take it a step further – praise your partner. Praise her for all the things she is doing and the ways she is contributing to your relationship. Make her feel seen, make her feel appreciated. That is what contributes to her feeling safe and comfortable – both of which are incredibly important when it comes to having a great sexual experience.
Don’t rush things. Work it up. Flirt. Joke. Devour each other with your eyes. But don’t rush to the next stage. The pent-up desire will create a sexual explosion afterward. If it’s rushed, there will always be something missing and you’ll never reach the real peak.
We are so used to instant gratification that we take pleasure for granted. It’s not. We need to work for it. We need to contribute to it. I see too many men complaining about a poor sex life with their partners, without even realizing that they are the main reason for it. Lack of effort. Lack of interest. Lack of understanding. Talk to your partner. Ask questions. Remember her likes and dislikes. Again – it doesn’t matter if it’s a first date and you’ve only talked via messages on Tinder, or you are married forever. Things change over time and what was valid when you were in your twenties, is no longer true in your forties. Her needs, wants, turn-ons, desires, have changed. So have yours. Unless you communicate them to each other, you won’t be able to have a fulfilling love life.
In the next issue, I will write in detail about the next step – The Foreplay. The importance of a good kiss. The art of sex talk. The right way to finger play. How to enjoy playing with toys. The hidden mysteries of giving great oral.