We talked about the setup. We talked about the kiss, the touch. We talked about oral sex. All of which should lead to a perfect, intense, invigorating sexual experience. But… let’s digress for a bit. 

There are many ways to create the right vibe for sex and to create the right level of excitement. None of them should be taken as a formula and a guarantee because they’ll become boring if repeated too often. Variety is the spice of life and it’s even more true when it comes to sex. The surprise element is a key to the longevity of the sexual interest between two partners. 

The following topic won’t be everyone’s cup of tea. Many like the fantasy of it, but only a few have the audacity to experience it. This is my guide to spanking. 

Pleasure and pain are the most curious and at the same time most frightening combination there is. Our minds are taught to avoid pain and to seek pleasure. What happens though when the two are intertwined? Can we learn to seek pain in order to receive pleasure? Can we identify pain as pleasure?

Very often, sadomasochistic play is associated with the theatrics of BDSM. Leather outfits, whips, chains, masks, dark red dungeons… Sure, that can be one version of it. But it’s definitely not the only way. It may be strange since I come from the theatre and film world and I tend to be very dominant sexually, but I personally don’t like the theatrical aspect of BDSM. I can participate if it’s something my partner enjoys (after all, I’ve never met a kink I didn’t like), but it’s not something I will seek intentionally. What I enjoy most when it comes to sadomasochistic play is impact play. The skin on skin contact. And there’s nothing more exciting than hearing the beautiful, exhilarating, electrifying sound of a perfectly placed spank on a woman’s derriere. 

The purpose of the spank is not necessarily to cause pain, especially not lasting pain. It’s more of a quick burn. A momentary spike. It’s a way of asserting temporary dominance and control. Never forget though – the ultimate control is always with the sub, not the dom. It’s the sub that allows the dom their dominance. If done without a plan and the right experience, spanking can turn into an unpleasant and hurtful experience. The real trick is to turn it into a pleasure for your partner. 

How do you turn a burn on the bum into a sexual signal that will make them crave sex even more? You combine the pain with pleasure. I’ll explain my process, but you must keep in mind that this is only a generalization and one single example. Every partner is different and you must listen to their body carefully every step of the way. 

She can be on her knees in front of me, or my personal favourite – being bent over the knee. Start by caressing her bum gently. Let her skin feel your skin. Let them get acquainted. This position gives you great access to her clit. Make use of it. Gently play with it. Maybe even play with the lips and insert a finger gently… Do all of this gently, slowly, without rushing. Let her body relax and immerse into the sensual touch. And then spank one of her buttocks. Out of the blue, when it’s least expected… and then just as unexpectedly – continue with the caressing and the finger play. Take your time. Let the build-up happen. And then do it again. Preferably, switch buttocks each time. 

Continue doing this over and over. Shorten the distance between two spanks, bit by bit. Make sure that she orgasms by the end of it. That’s very important, especially if she doesn’t have much experience with spanking. Ending with orgasm will make her associate the spanking with pleasure, instead of pain. It’s not a one-time process though – she probably won’t ask you to do it again the next day. Make sure you have the right build-up, that you are both in the right mindset. It should feel organic, real, natural. If it feels forced, it will fail (ironic as that may sound when it comes to any BDSM play). 

Talk about it afterward. Make sure you are clear about how she felt. Next time, don’t take it up a notch. Repeat the same, several times, until you are both very comfortable with it and seek intentionally the pleasure it brings. Only then, you can explore further. There are no limits to where pleasure can take you.