The beginners guide to spanking

We talked about the setup. We talked about the kiss, the touch. We talked about oral sex. All of which should lead to a perfect, intense, invigorating sexual experience. But… let’s digress for a bit. 

There are many ways to create the right vibe for sex and to create the right level of excitement. None of them should be taken as a formula and a guarantee because they’ll become boring if repeated too often. Variety is the spice of life and it’s even more true when it comes to sex. The surprise element is a key to the longevity of the sexual interest between two partners. 

The following topic won’t be everyone’s cup of tea. Many like the fantasy of it, but only a few have the audacity to experience it. This is my guide to spanking. 

Pleasure and pain are the most curious and at the same time most frightening combination there is. Our minds are taught to avoid pain and to seek pleasure. What happens though when the two are intertwined? Can we learn to seek pain in order to receive pleasure? Can we identify pain as pleasure?

Very often, sadomasochistic play is associated with the theatrics of BDSM. Leather outfits, whips, chains, masks, dark red dungeons… Sure, that can be one version of it. But it’s definitely not the only way. It may be strange since I come from the theatre and film world and I tend to be very dominant sexually, but I personally don’t like the theatrical aspect of BDSM. I can participate if it’s something my partner enjoys (after all, I’ve never met a kink I didn’t like), but it’s not something I will seek intentionally. What I enjoy most when it comes to sadomasochistic play is impact play. The skin on skin contact. And there’s nothing more exciting than hearing the beautiful, exhilarating, electrifying sound of a perfectly placed spank on a woman’s derriere. 

The purpose of the spank is not necessarily to cause pain, especially not lasting pain. It’s more of a quick burn. A momentary spike. It’s a way of asserting temporary dominance and control. Never forget though – the ultimate control is always with the sub, not the dom. It’s the sub that allows the dom their dominance. If done without a plan and the right experience, spanking can turn into an unpleasant and hurtful experience. The real trick is to turn it into a pleasure for your partner. 

How do you turn a burn on the bum into a sexual signal that will make them crave sex even more? You combine the pain with pleasure. I’ll explain my process, but you must keep in mind that this is only a generalization and one single example. Every partner is different and you must listen to their body carefully every step of the way. 

She can be on her knees in front of me, or my personal favourite – being bent over the knee. Start by caressing her bum gently. Let her skin feel your skin. Let them get acquainted. This position gives you great access to her clit. Make use of it. Gently play with it. Maybe even play with the lips and insert a finger gently… Do all of this gently, slowly, without rushing. Let her body relax and immerse into the sensual touch. And then spank one of her buttocks. Out of the blue, when it’s least expected… and then just as unexpectedly – continue with the caressing and the finger play. Take your time. Let the build-up happen. And then do it again. Preferably, switch buttocks each time. 

Continue doing this over and over. Shorten the distance between two spanks, bit by bit. Make sure that she orgasms by the end of it. That’s very important, especially if she doesn’t have much experience with spanking. Ending with orgasm will make her associate the spanking with pleasure, instead of pain. It’s not a one-time process though – she probably won’t ask you to do it again the next day. Make sure you have the right build-up, that you are both in the right mindset. It should feel organic, real, natural. If it feels forced, it will fail (ironic as that may sound when it comes to any BDSM play). 

Talk about it afterward. Make sure you are clear about how she felt. Next time, don’t take it up a notch. Repeat the same, several times, until you are both very comfortable with it and seek intentionally the pleasure it brings. Only then, you can explore further. There are no limits to where pleasure can take you.

Things you should know about Foreplay – Part 2

Continuing the series on foreplay. This article is directed at my male readers, but I welcome all female readers to contribute with their thoughts and experiences. 

There are thousands of articles on how to perform good oral sex. There’s so much info out there, from sex experts, from sex bloggers, from all kinds of magazines, trying to solve the mystery of cunnilingus and turn you into a better lover. Move your tongue clockwise. Move your tongue counterclockwise. Switch between intervals of going around, then moving up and down. Suck on the clit. Press with your tongue. Bite gently… Generally, all decent advice, that will generally produce a decent result… But none of that would give that bone-shaking, earth-shattering, vision-blurring, I-don’t-care-if-I-die-right-now kind of orgasm. There’s only one skill that can do that. It’s a skill that gives you an absolute superpower when it comes to sex, particularly when giving oral. It’s the Power of Observation! 

Living a poly life, I’ve been with many partners, too many to count. There’s one thing I know for sure – not one of them had the same path to a great orgasm. Every person is different. Their mental state is different. Their emotional state is different. Their physical responses are different. As I said – you can use general advice and get generally decent results, but that’s not what we should be after. We should seek great, not just good enough.

So what does this magical superpower of observation look like?

First of all, don’t miss the previous steps needed – the set-up and the foreplay. When done right, they will set the tone for the next stage – naked bodies and intimate play. When you are ready to go down on her, don’t rush it. Going directly for the target means missing out on the build-up and that build-up is what will give you better results. Enjoy her naked body. You’ve been kissing, touching, playing with her breasts, now move slowly down. Kisses, gentle bites, unexpected licks here and there… Don’t stop at her vagina – keep kissing her thighs. Get close to the coveted spot, but don’t go for it just yet. Play with your tongue around the mound, without touching the clit, or the labia. The anticipation is building the adrenaline up. It will only increase the desire. Don’t overdo it. Read her signals. The motion of her lower body, her hands, her sounds, will all give you the signal when you should actually begin. Don’t forget at any time – this is all about her. Derive your pleasure from her pleasure. Observe, pay attention to every single detail. Don’t rush to get to the part where you receive pleasure. Do it right and you will be rewarded tenfold. 

When the time is right, don’t go straight for the clit, especially if you are with a new partner. Not every woman reacts the same. For some, the tip of the clit is the most sensitive and arousing area. For others, it’s the area just below it, pressing the clit from just underneath. Yet for others, it’s the labia and not the clit at all. I’ve had partners for whom the best orgasms happened when playing with the space just under the vaginal opening while stimulating the tip of the clit didn’t do anything. It’s rare, but it happens. When you start playing with your tongue, take about 30 seconds to explore. It’s a very complex area with many parts and nerve endings. Not all are created equal. Do several gentle rounds with your tongue and see where does she react with the highest intensity. That’s where the main focus should be. Listen to her body and reactions. They will tell you if you need to be gentler or go harder. They will tell you if you need to go faster or slower. There’s nothing more annoying than men who have gotten great results with one partner by doing a certain thing and then trying to replicate that thing with every other partner. Believe me, at that point a woman can tell that you are licking A pussy, not HER pussy. 

Some women do like a more intense touch – they like their clit sucked hard, they like small bites (hard bites are never good, it’s a very gentle area and you can cause a lot of unwanted pain). Some are the exact opposite. If you observe their body, you will know which one is right. 

As much as I don’t believe in general sex advice, as I don’t believe that there’s no one-move-fits-all, and every person is different, something that has been my favorite and I use it often is to gently lift up the skin covering the clit with your thumb, that part that looks like a hoodie, to reveal the tip of the clit. Be VERY careful with it. It’s covered for a reason. It’s extremely sensitive and it’s not used to physical touch. As a comparison, it’s way more sensitive than the tip of the penis, even for uncut men. Once you lift the skin, play with your tongue. Only your tongue. Never use teeth here. It’s an electrifying experience for her. It’s one of the most sensitive parts of the body. It’s the only organ in the human body, male or female, whose sole purpose is to create a feeling of pleasure. Every other organ has at least one more function. The clit is just for pleasure. Its reason for existence is pure hedonism. 

To finger or not to finger, that is the question?

The use of fingers during oral can greatly contribute to her pleasure, or it can detract from it. How do you know whether to do it or not? Simple – observe. First, I would advise against using the full arsenal at once. Give each element the time it needs to cause the wanted effect. Once you’ve established play in a certain spot, only then add something else. You can’t go directly for the clit and at the same time shove your fingers inside. It’s rushed, it kills the build-up. You can maybe do that with a long-term partner, where you already know that that is exactly what she wants, but otherwise – take your time. When it comes to finger play, my preferred timing is right after the first orgasm. Create the first orgasm with your tongue, then up the ante. Whatever you do, do not rush it. No matter how wet she is, the vaginal opening is very, very small. The muscles there need to allow you in, otherwise, you will cause tearing. Besides, it’s much better for her to really want you to go in because she is burning with desire, than for her to flinch at the discomfort of a rushed move. 

Move your fingers around the opening. Start moving just the tip of your finger in and out, only up to the first knuckle. Then the second knuckle. Then the whole finger. Don’t stop playing with your tongue. The whole point is to add layers to the play and increase the pleasure. Once you are inside, it’s not a one-move-satisfy-all kind of situation. Every vagina is different. Just like men’s penises are different in size and shape, so are women’s clits. Some are longer and go all the way around the vagina walls, down to the membrane that separates the vagina and the anal cavity. Some are shorter. Therefore, inside the vagina, different parts are sensitive in different women. I’ve had experiences with some women where pressing on the bottom of the vagina, towards her anus, causes a gushing squirting orgasm. With others, it won’t do anything, or it can even be uncomfortable. It’s the same thing for the famous G spot. For some women it works like a charm, press the right spot and her moaning will wake up the neighbourhood. For others, it doesn’t contribute much. 

The most important thing though, when it comes to performing oral sex on a woman is to not have any expectations of her. She may not orgasm, no matter what efforts you put into it. And it may not be up to you. She may have a very quiet and mild orgasm. She may have a screaming, gushing, you-need-a-new-mattress-after-this kind of orgasm. When giving her oral, you are the one performing, for her. She should not feel like she needs to perform. The fewer expectations you put on her, the less pressure she feels, the more likely is that she will enjoy it fully and not be in her head. Some women have absolute confidence and don’t have a problem with this, some do. In both cases though – your job is to give her the best possible experience she can have. The only way to do that is to observe, listen to her reactions, follow her movements. Raise the intensity slightly, until you can sense that it’s too much, then dial it down a notch. Play with different areas, until you find the one that gives the strongest reaction.

Why should you do all that?

You mean, besides the great feeling of giving another human being pleasure? For purely selfish reasons. Because a woman who has had a great oral orgasm (or preferably a string of those) will want you with every fiber of her body and the sex that will follow will be out of this world. 

Things you should know about Foreplay – Part 1

It’s exciting, arousing, fulfilling. It’s confusing, complex, frightening. It’s the most discussed sex topic, yet, it’s not discussed nearly enough. It’s the make or break point for great sex. It’s the perfect clash between passion and patience. It’s what distinguishes great lovers from mediocre ones. 

Let’s talk about Foreplay.

There are tons of articles talking about the importance of foreplay, and they can all be summarized down to the need for female arousal and how to get there. I don’t think that’s all there is though. 

Men and women have very different arousal processes and manifestations. Male arousal is seemingly pretty straightforward – once he has an erection, he is ready to go. It’s not that simple though. He may be aroused, but contrary to popular belief, that doesn’t always mean he is ready for sex. An erection can be a result of a number of things, not necessarily related to desire. However, it’s a fact that it’s far easier for men to reach a state of arousal compared to women and it’s also a fact that men are far more ready to move from arousal to intercourse.
Why is that? It’s down to simple anatomy. 

The penis is an external organ – just like the fingers on our hands are. Yes, it’s far more sensitive than the fingers and it’s definitely more pleasurable to use it, but the mechanics of it are not that different. The vagina is internal. Just think about it… the man has to stick his external organ into the female body in order to have sex. The woman, on the other hand, has to open up a very tight opening in her body and receive 6 or more inches (hopefully) of someone else’s flash inside her own body cavity… repeatedly. It’s no wonder straight men (particularly those not fond of anal play on themselves) can’t understand it. The closest experience would be being at the dentist’s and having their fingers deep inside your mouth. It’s definitely not a pleasant experience. It’s shocking and overwhelming. It’s as uncomfortable and invasive as it can possibly get. Well… trying to push your way into a vagina without the proper preparation for it feels exactly the same way. 

This is why it’s not enough only to create arousal before sex, the woman also needs a feeling of safety and control. This is why sometimes everything seems to be going perfectly well and then all of a sudden, just before the penetration begins, she backs off, has second thoughts, needs comforting. The biological process is overwhelming. She needs to feel aroused. She needs to be wet. She also needs to feel that she has control over the process – even if part of the play is her relinquishing that control to her partner (one has to have control in order to give it to someone else).

At the beginning

Before you even get to the foreplay, you need to work on the set-up (you can read a detailed explanation here). 

The first step in successful foreplay is the conversation. The brain is the most important sexual organ. You can be the most handsome person in the world, yet one wrong statement can turn your partner off for good. If you want to be successful in your love life – build your mental library of information and the conversational skills needed to use it. 

The Kiss

Everyone remembers the first kiss with a new partner. It’s exhilarating. It’s electrifying. Your lips touch their lips, but your whole body reacts to it. You can feel your skin getting goosebumps, you can feel your blood pressure rising, your pulse speeding up. Your brain gets foggy. The butterflies… 

It’s arousing. It shouldn’t be rushed. It’s better to have a lengthy make-out session than miss out on the benefits it will bring. 

The Touch

While we enjoy the experience that the kiss brings, the hands begin to wander. It’s a manifestation of the urge we feel at that moment – the need to connect with our partner’s body. The attempt to connect physically, to unite the bodies, to be closer, to be inside one another. 

The hand on their face while we kiss them. The hand on the back of their head. Our fingers in their hair. Touching their neck. Our hands behind on their back, pulling them closer. Two bodies grinding against each other, simulating the motion of the end game, making us want them more.

Don’t rush the next move. Too many men rush to get their hands on their partner’s breasts or ass. It’s a huge mistake. These are sensitive areas of the female body. Not only she needs to be ready, but she also needs to crave your touch. Build that desire slowly. When your hands finally reach the erogenous zones of her body, it should be a culmination of that build-up, not a pre-mature boob grab. To give an example that most men would understand – it’s no different than her grabbing your cock when it’s fully erect and you are aroused, compared to doing the same straight off the bat while you are still flaccid. The former is far more exciting and invigorating. 

If this is your first time with a new partner, be cautious. Every person has different triggers, different turn-ons, different intensities. While some women like their breasts played with hard and having their nipples sucked and bit, others do not. Play with your tongue first before you decide to use your teeth. Start slower, see how she reacts, and then build up. Don’t be engulfed in your own hormonal wave, observe her reactions. Her body will tell you with great clarity whether you are doing something right, whether you need to slow down or push harder. Don’t do what you think women want. Don’t do what you want. Do what she wants. Your return in pleasure will be tenfold. 

The butt is just as sensual and it’s even more important during foreplay. Your hands on her butt are not only pulling her towards you and intensifying the grinding, but they are now for the first time in the vicinity of her genital area. Every squeeze, pressure, move, will be reflected and felt by her vagina as well. If you go harder than she wants she’ll feel violated. Take your time. Admire the curves. 

Don’t spend too long on any one spot. Move your hands between her face, her neck, her breasts, her ass, her thighs… see which creates the most positive vibe and reaction, and put extra effort there. 

All of the above is what I call – soft foreplay. Next week I’ll elaborate more on hard foreplay – fingering, oral sex, spanking, toys. 

The Set-Up

To all the men reading this newsletter – this is based on my own experience and countless conversations with both men and women on this subject. It’s my own guide on how to improve your sex life and the satisfaction that comes from it. 

To all the women reading this newsletter – let me know what your experience is like. Let me know if you disagree or if I have missed anything of importance. 


There are a few experiences, if any, that are better than sex. It’s complete satisfaction on a physical, emotional, and sensual level. Although… only when done right. The problem is – what is right?

Let’s start at the beginning. 


The Set-up

There are countless articles about the importance of foreplay in sex. Kissing, fingering, nipple play, oral sex… as if you’d go straight for a blow-job the moment you enter the room. No! There’s a whole segment missing here. That is the pre-foreplay game. I call it “the set-up”. 

The set-up is the preparation for the event. It’s getting all the right elements in place for an unforgettable experience. 


What are you wearing? Are you dressed up in something sexy, attractive, attention-grabbing, classy? It’s a great disappointment when I see in bars and restaurants a woman dressed up to the nines, and then the man next to her in jeans and a white T, or even worse – shorts and a ball cap. Do you realize how much effort she has put into looking the best she can? She took an hour or more to do the hair, make-up, select the right outfit, the right accessories, shoes… Only to be met with a guy who may-or-may-not has showered and threw on what was at hand. Even if it’s a partner you know for a while (or are married to), even if the date is at your place – pay attention, show respect, put in some effort. 

Create an atmosphere that feels comfortable, sexy, inspiring. If you are at your place, set up the right light, music, prepare cocktails, have some sexy tapas for snacks. If you are at her place, bring a nice bottle, flowers, chocolates. Never go empty-handed. If you are meeting at a bar, choose a nice bar, make the reservations yourself. Show her that you were thinking about her long before you met. It matters. Not only for her. It will really make you think about her long before you meet, which will build up anticipation and excitement. It will put you in the right mindset and clear your head of the day-to-day stuff that’s been preoccupying you. 

Give her compliments. Notice what she is wearing. Acknowledge her beauty, her effort, her presence. It doesn’t matter if it’s your first date, or you’ve been married for 20+ years. It’s even more important to do it with your long-term partner. Every day. In that case, take it a step further – praise your partner. Praise her for all the things she is doing and the ways she is contributing to your relationship. Make her feel seen, make her feel appreciated. That is what contributes to her feeling safe and comfortable – both of which are incredibly important when it comes to having a great sexual experience.

Don’t rush things. Work it up. Flirt. Joke. Devour each other with your eyes. But don’t rush to the next stage. The pent-up desire will create a sexual explosion afterward. If it’s rushed, there will always be something missing and you’ll never reach the real peak.

We are so used to instant gratification that we take pleasure for granted. It’s not. We need to work for it. We need to contribute to it. I see too many men complaining about a poor sex life with their partners, without even realizing that they are the main reason for it. Lack of effort. Lack of interest. Lack of understanding. Talk to your partner. Ask questions. Remember her likes and dislikes. Again – it doesn’t matter if it’s a first date and you’ve only talked via messages on Tinder, or you are married forever. Things change over time and what was valid when you were in your twenties, is no longer true in your forties. Her needs, wants, turn-ons, desires, have changed. So have yours. Unless you communicate them to each other, you won’t be able to have a fulfilling love life. 

In the next issue, I will write in detail about the next step – The Foreplay. The importance of a good kiss. The art of sex talk. The right way to finger play. How to enjoy playing with toys. The hidden mysteries of giving great oral.

The Art of Pleasing Oneself

To love life, you need to love yourself. There’s no better expression of self-love than masturbation. It is the most natural, personal, and intimate delivery of pleasure. 

It’s a physical experience. 

Your hands are involved (even when using toys). Your erogenous zones are physically stimulated. You control the intensity, the speed. You can prolong it as much as you want to, or make it as fast as you choose to. You can repeat it for as long as you have the strength. You are in absolute control. There’s no need to accommodate your partner’s physical needs or their particular taste. It’s all about you. 

It’s an emotional experience. 

Your physical actions during masturbation bring you pleasure. There’s pleasure in the act itself, in the process of doing it. There’s a pleasure at the culmination, in the orgasm and the chemical reaction it creates in your brain and body. It is satisfying, makes you feel good. It allows you to wander off in your thoughts, to explore any and every sexual fantasy you have. Things that you wouldn’t even admit to in real life, are all allowed and present in your head during the act. Whether you use the aid of sex toys and pornography, or you are alone with your own fantasies – it doesn’t matter. 

Masturbation should not be seen as a substitute for sex. 

Sometimes it can be a welcome relief if we are going through a sexless phase, but otherwise, it should be seen as an act on its own, as something that we do intentionally for ourselves. That is important from several aspects. First, as something that brings us pleasure. As such, it should be practiced often, because it contributes to us feeling good. Second, as something that allows us to learn more about ourselves. 

Pay attention to what excites you.

Don’t rush towards the end, but explore the process. You can learn so many things about yourself that way. On a physical level – you can learn what spots you react to, what intensity works best for you, what you don’t like, what gets you going too fast, etc. On a mental level – you will learn what excites you and then you can try and replicate it with a partner. Many things excite us that we are hesitant to explore in real life, so we let them exist only in fantasies and porn. Why? Why not try to explore your own kinks and fetishes? Why live a life void of things that bring you pleasure? Masturbation allows you to explore mentally and see what excites you, but if you truly want that experience, you should do everything possible to make it happen. 

People are hesitant to explore their kinks.

Most of the time that’s because they are afraid that their partner won’t agree. True, often people are coupled with someone who does not share their sexual interests. But, most of the time it’s their own fault. When they start a relationship, they don’t want to be seen as “sex freaks”, so they tone down their desires. Then, years later, they are miserable because they feel that their partner is not on the same page, has lost interest, is not sharing their kinks. Of course not – and you can’t blame them, they never did, you are the one that faked yours. Be who you are to attract like-minded people. 

If you have kinks, be open about it. 

It may limit your dating prospects and make it more difficult to find a partner, but it’s worth it. Is it better to wait longer for someone who shares your interests, or to quickly find someone who doesn’t? Sometimes people change over time. Kinkiness may increase in one partner, while it may decrease in the other. If that problem occurs, don’t let it linger for too long. Talk with your partner, try to understand each other. Try to explain what’s important to you, and understand what’s important to them. 

If we are more accepting towards masturbation and see it as an act of intimacy and pleasure, instead of something shameful that should not be discussed, we’ll be more aware of our own sexual desires and kinks, more aware of their importance in our lives and we’ll be more willing to discuss them openly and without shame. If we do that – we will be able to find our true match, instead of living a life of unfulfilled desires.

The influences that shaped us

From the earliest age, we are under the influence of the people and the society around us – parents, siblings, neighbours, classmates, romantic interests, teachers, colleagues, superiors, stars, politicians… Our existence is shaped by the influence others have on us. Our parents’ strictness, or kindness, defines how we behave. The influence of our older siblings can make us want to imitate them. Wanting to be accepted by our classmates influences the way we dress, behave, and the music we listen to. The influence of romantic interests in teenage years can impact our attitude towards relationships for life. The influence of teachers or that of our superiors can define our careers. These influences can be subtle and inconspicuous, or they can be direct, blatant, and overwhelming. They can result in imitating the original or doing the exact opposite, but they nevertheless impact our decision-making. 

Sometimes we are aware of these influences and fondly remember the positive ones or have traumatic experiences from the negative ones. Sometimes, we are not aware of those influences at all or become aware of them later on in life. What we often completely ignore though, is that the same way our lives have been influenced by people around us, we influence others as well. Our actions and words do not happen in a vacuum. They influence our own influencers – parents, siblings, teachers – but also influence others who look up to us. It can be something seemingly insignificant like convincing the best friend in grade 7 to start listening to the music we like, or it can be something major that will alter other people’s understanding of relationships. We can choose to ignore the influence we have on other people’s lives, but that usually means that we are not quite aware of the influences others have on us. 

Understanding the influences in our life is the key to defining who we are. 

If we pay attention and analyze the influences from our past, it can enable us to liberate ourselves from the negative ones. Often some influences do not seem to be negative and are done with the best of intentions, but it doesn’t mean that we want to live the life that they have defined for us. Our parents’ wanting us to “find the one”, marry, have kids, and live in a house in the suburbs, is all done with the best of intentions, but may not necessarily be what we want for ourselves. 

The decision to change, to want something else, or even more importantly, to allow ourselves to want something else – means to understand the influences that created that initial idea of what our life should be in the first place. This will also enable us to be more observant of our own influence over others. Are we a force for good in their life? Are we too forceful with our influence? We may think some things are good for them, but it doesn’t necessarily mean they match their desires and their idea of the life they want. Just like the parents in the example above – we may have the best intentions, and we may even be right in the long run, but it doesn’t mean it’s the right thing for the people whose lives we influence. Are we ready to carry the burden of changing someone’s life, if that’s not what they ultimately wanted? On the other hand, do we want to sit on the sidelines and watch someone not reach their freedom and potential? It’s a fine balance and it requires experience and thoughtfulness because the impact and the consequences can be life-altering. 

Spend some time thinking about the influences you’ve had in your life. People, institutions, social, economic, and cultural settings – all have influenced our lives. Analyze them – sort out which ones were positive for you in the long run, which ones were negative. Can you eliminate the negative ones? Can you enhance the positive ones? What place do they have in your current and your future life? If you do that proper analysis and if you assign the right place to each – and keep in mind that often the way we understand past influences can change over time, so this needs revisiting from time to time – then you will create the basis for something far more important: what kind of influences do you want in your life right now? 

Most of the influences in our lives happen without us being consciously aware of them. After some time, we can understand that this person or that circumstance affected us, but at the time of the influence happening, we are not necessarily aware of it. That doesn’t have to be the case going forward. We can consciously choose our future influences. Enhance the good ones, eliminate the bad ones. We can surround ourselves with people and circumstances that will help us achieve our goals, move forward, move upward, pursue pleasure. It doesn’t necessarily mean surrounding ourselves with people who only say positive things – oftentimes a critique is far more valuable than a positive remark. Surround yourself with people that make you want to be better and you’ll be able to change and improve your circumstances as well.

All of this is especially true when it comes to a hedonistic lifestyle. It’s important to be your true self to be able to find your tribe. But it’s also important in order to find the right influences in your life. If you are hiding your true self, the people who can be the positive hedonistic influence in your life, won’t present themselves in the proper light. Being true to yourself, being aware of your past influences, and being clear on the influences that you desire, can bring you in the right setting, among the right people, and take you on the right path to your personal improvement and pursuit of pleasure. The same is true when it comes to your own influence over others. Not presenting yourself in your true light, may have a negative influence on others, or at the very least, not have the positive influence it may otherwise have. If you don’t present yourself as who you truly are, while you may not face the negative consequences of other people’s judgment, you will definitely face the negative consequences of not living the life you are destined for.

The anatomy of a great orgy

A great orgy is the very definition of hedonistic heaven. Nothing else comes even close. Maybe not everyone is ready for it, but it sure is or has been on everyone’s fantasy list.

Not every orgy is a great orgy though. It can be awkward, uncomfortable, and outright unsexy if done wrong. If done right, it can be a rewarding, exciting, fulfilling experience unlike any other.

So, what makes the difference? Here’s your detailed guide on how to organize one yourself. 


The Anatomy of a Great Orgy

The Set-up

The first thing you need to decide on is the venue. There are three possibilities: your home, a hotel room, or a sex club. While the last one seems like an obvious and easy choice, it’s really not that simple. Yes, sex clubs can be fun if you are with the right crowd, and they are a good place to meet new people, but to be honest, the overall experience is rarely good. While you can choose who you play with, you can’t choose who is around you. There’s also something sterile about the playrooms and their “airport lounge meets Sleep Country showroom” aesthetic. 

That’s why my preferred choices are home parties or hotels. The same concepts would apply for both, it should simply be a matter of personal preference and convenience. 

Make sure that the atmosphere is inviting, warm, dark, exciting. Throw some pillows around the room, to give people a chance to sit (and play) anywhere. If you have any erotic artwork, put it on display. Remove any of the banalities of daily life – newspapers, random chargers, your pet’s bed.

When setting up the space, you have to consider the three segments of the event – the meet, the play, the break. 

The meet area is where you set up your food and drinks station. Separate from the play area (and preferably not too close, you don’t want food crumbs stuck to your butt). This is where people first interact, where they get to know each other. It should be informal, relaxed, casual. Drinks and finger foods (more on that later in the article). 

The play area is where the main event happens. You should set the furniture while keeping two things in mind – at any point during the night, some people will play, while others will watch. A great orgy is the perfect symbiosis of an exhibitionistic and a voyeuristic experience. Set up in a way that provides a great experience and vantage points for both. 

The break area is where people go when they are done, or when they need a longer break. It can be the food station, but it’s best if it can be in a separate room, where people can take a complete break from the party. As far as sexual experiences go, an orgy is the most intense of all, and it’s an overwhelming emotional experience as well. Even people with extensive experience often need a break and reset. 


The Mood

You need to create the right mood for everyone present, and nothing affects the mood like lights and music. 

The lights need to be subdued. Bright enough so people can enjoy seeing the action, but also dark enough so that it doesn’t feel like being on a stage. It’s a fine balance and it’s best achieved with the help of decorative lamps and candles. The flickering reflection of the candlelight off of someone’s naked body is damn sexy.

Music affects the mood drastically, so be careful what’s on your playlist. If you want a classy affair, then go for sensual, but intense music, instrumental, rhythmic (think Massive Attack, Depeche Mode, Kygo). You don’t want anything that’s too fast – it will affect the rhythm of the sexual activities, nor something too slow – as it will mellow down the mood. 



Sex gets people hungry. Sex with a lot of people gets people very hungry. 

Since you need the atmosphere to be casual, you shouldn’t serve full meals. Finger foods are great. Make it fancy. Great options include oysters, shrimp, foie-gras, charcuterie. Avoid things that are too messy.

Make sure that people have the ability to wash their hands after eating. Cheese fingers in a vagina is not a good idea. 



Everyone has their own preferences, but for a great orgy, I believe that you should start with artisanal cocktails. It gives off the right vibe, it gets people talking, it sets them on the path of hedonistic pleasure. After that, move on to wine. I know many people prefer beer to wine, but do you really want to be bloated and pee every 15 minutes during a mind-blowing sex event? I don’t think so. Stick to wine and pace yourself. There’s nothing wrong with being buzzed, but there’s nothing worse than having that one drunk person in the group that is out of control, while the others are trying to have fun. 

When having a group experience, everyone must be absolutely respectful of everyone else’s wishes and barriers, so getting drunk is not really helpful.

Buy lots of small bottles of water and have them at hand. Sex makes people thirsty. 



Bring out the toys! Whatever toys you may have – vibrators, cock-rings, anal plugs, ropes, hand-cuffs, gag-balls, whips… bring them out. Lay them out in plain view in the play area.

They serve two purposes. One, they are a talking point and a great transition between the meet and play phases. Two, they are a great addition to the sexual adventure that awaits you.


Condoms & Lube

Even if you play bareback with your own partner, make sure that during an orgy you use condoms. Always. No exception. Ask beforehand if anyone has latex allergy (more common than you might think) and accommodate by using non-latex condoms, which are widely available. Always change condoms when switching a partner. Play it absolutely safe, for yours and for the sake of others. Have plenty of lube. As exciting as an orgy can be, the adrenaline rush may cause a need for extra lubrication. 

Ideally, you would have several small baskets, strategically placed around the play area, filled with condoms and lube, so that at any given time, people can simply reach out and grab one. 


The not so sexy stuff

An orgy is a very sexy thing. No doubt about it. Having 12 people involved in any intimate activity also has elements that are not so sexy. 

At the end of the night, there will be a couple of dozen used condoms all over the room, lube all over the furniture, squirt on the floor. That is – if you don’t plan things right. Always prepare for these things. Have several small garbage baskets around the room. Have plenty of paper tissue. Paper towels (squirt lovers know what I’m talking about). Waterproof sheets. Baby wipes. Always, and I mean always, have a lot of towels at hand (at least 2 per person). 


The main ingredient

You have the space sorted out. You have the food, the drinks, and the music in place. You prepared the condoms and the lube, and every possible mess precaution is in place. All you need now is the main ingredient of a great orgy – the people!

How does one select the right people to have an orgy with? It’s the million-dollar question.

In my experience, it’s best to have three types of attendees. 

First – people you have played with before. People you’ve met at a sex club, or had a threesome/foursome with. You know you vibe well with them, you have experience, you know what they like. You also know that you will have play partners for the night, no matter what. I would say at least 40% of the attendees should fall in this group.

Second, people brought by the people you have played with before. You don’t know them, but they do, they vouch for them, they know they’ll be a good fit for the group. Another 40% of the attendees.

Third, new members of the tribe. These are people you haven’t played with before, but you’ve met via dating apps, or in person before. You like their vibe, but you don’t know what a sexual experience is like with them. Ideally, one or max two couples per event, more than that would disturb the balance. 

In my experience, an ideal number for a decent orgy is around 12 people. Not too many to create a crazy party feeling, not too few so that there’s no variety of experiences for everyone. Always invite a few more people than your ideal number, as it’s almost guaranteed that some won’t show up, or some will leave after the meet&greet part. 

Talk to every attendee beforehand. Ask about their preferences. Are they heterosexual, heteroflexible, bisexual, gay? What is completely off-limits for them? It’s important to know these things, it will help you navigate the event better. 


On the night of

Don’t rush it! Spend some time socializing. Have a couple of drinks, chat, get to know each other. Feel each other’s vibe, energy. Flirt. Flirt!

Only when you can sense that everyone is feeling good, it’s time to move on to the next phase.


The transition

It’s often difficult to transition from having a casual chat with someone to the “let’s fuck” stage of the orgy. It should be done carefully, as it may feel forced. If people are not ready yet, it can ruin an evening, no matter how much everyone is looking forward to it. Too early and people are not ready, therefore not in the right mood. Too late, everyone lost their energy and the excitement is gone. Timing is everything.

There are plenty of openers. Some are classic, like a good ole middle-school spin-the-bottle game, truth-or-dare, or anything similar. If you opt for games, make sure it’s something simple, with almost no rules – you want people to focus on the sexiness of others, not on the rules of the game. 

My preferred opener though is a demonstration of a sex toy. Pick your favourite toy and offer to do a demonstration of it with your partner. Put on a little show for everyone. It is guaranteed to get everyone excited and in the right mood. As you start playing with the toy on your partner, invite a “member of the audience” to partake. And then leave it to the universe to guide everyone else to delicious nakedness. 


The Host

Being a host for a great orgy is not an easy task. Not only do you need to prepare everything, not only do you need to organize an amazing group of people, but you also need to make sure that everything runs smoothly. At the beginning of the evening, make sure that you introduce everyone to everyone else. I’m not talking about a simple introduction, but a genuine conversation. Make sure to build those connections, as that will make for a better experience later in the evening. 

During the main event, make sure that no one is neglected, no one is tossed aside. It’s really easy to let that happen. People are focused on their pleasure and with all the bodies around them, they may easily make someone feel neglected. 

Guide everyone’s experience. You are a director of a great show. If you see that things are toning down, insert yourself in the situation and revive the energy. Keep things going for as long as it feels good. If someone feels overwhelmed, take them aside and help them feel good. 


The best sign of a great orgy is when people want a repeat. A few days after the party, reach out to everyone that was present and ask for feedback. Maybe there was something you’ve missed, maybe there’s something that can be done better the next time. 

More importantly, make sure that everyone was ok with everyone else. If several people voice a complaint about a certain person, at the very least you should have a frank conversation with that person, or at worst, eliminate them altogether from future parties. You want people to feel secure, inspired, sexy – if anyone is making them feel otherwise, they have no place in an orgy.

There you have it. The Anatomy of a Great Orgy. It’s an experience like no other. It’s the stuff fantasies are made of. It’s rewarding and exhilarating. If you have any questions when organizing your next one, message me, I will gladly guide you through it.


Self-confidence is the foundation of hedonism

The biggest enemy to finding pleasure in life is self-doubt. It creeps in, makes us wonder if we are good enough, makes us feel less worthy, makes us give up, or at least slows us down on our path.

The very foundation of hedonism is confidence in yourself. Believe in yourself. In your abilities, in your decisions, in your vision of who you are and who you want to be. It’s good to question yourself. That gives you the ability to determine if you are on the right path and correct course if needed. Self-doubt though robs you of the ability to do that. 

Self-doubt doesn’t pose any questions. It only gives one answer: “You are not good enough”.

It’s the internal enemy. It’s coded in us. Centuries of religious, patriarchal, societal, economic structures have taught us that we should “know our place”. Even the mantra of the past 40 years that you can be whatever you choose to be is not really true – the moment you choose something that is out of the norm, you are immediately bombarded by reasons why you shouldn’t do it, why it’s a mistake, why you are going to fail. The system tells you that you can be whoever you want to be, as long as you fit in. And the frame in which you are supposed to fit is very, very tight. 

There are dozens of examples of that happening to us every day. Some are very basic – how many times you saw an outfit that you liked, but then gave up on it, because “it wasn’t right” – whether it was the colour, the shape, the fit. You liked it, do you need any other reason to wear it? Instead, you thought about what other people would think about you. Self-doubt, stealing your pleasure one more time. Some examples can be much more profound – for example – many men and women experience bisexual tendencies in one form or another, but never act on them, because it’s unacceptable, because it’s embarrassing, because “what will people think”… So, we rob ourselves of who we are and the things that would bring us pleasure, because of self-doubt.

The only way to break the frame that society has put in place for you is to have exuberant self-confidence. Self-confidence requires self-awareness. It requires full knowledge of yourself. It’s been said many times that the key to a successful relationship is communication. It doesn’t apply only to a relationship with your partner or any relationship between you and other people. It applies as well, or I dare say even more, to the relationship you have with yourself. You need to be able to analyze and communicate with yourself all the details about your own life. Your wants. Your needs. Your desires. Your fears. Your doubts. Your self-imposed limitations. Your talents. Your hopes. That talk with yourself is the key to understanding and defining yourself. It’s what gives you the ability to present yourself as who you are, not as who you are supposed to be or told to be. 

It is not a one-time process. It’s not something that you define once and then live with it until the next “summit”. On the contrary – it’s a continuous process, communication on the deepest level, day after day. The more you do it, the better you are at defeating self-doubt. I know it sounds counterintuitive. How can continuous self-questioning be helpful and not result in crippling self-doubt? Because self-doubt is not based on facts. It’s not based on reality. It’s not based on real questions and real answers. It’s only based on fear and the answer is always the same. Self-communication allows for real questions, with real answers – and they leave no room for self-doubt. 

Another benefit is that this level of self-awareness will allow for continuous improvement. You won’t wait for ages to fix something that you don’t like or don’t feel right. You will have to act immediately because your awareness of the issue will require action.

Don’t mistake self-confidence for cockiness. The former is a sign of a well-established individual, aware of themselves, their surroundings, and their path. The latter is a sign of weakness and the need to show off as something that you are not. 

Relationships exist on a spectrum

Alfred Kinsey introduced the idea that sexuality exists on a spectrum back in 1948. By now, it’s well understood that there’s a very wide field between 100% straight and 100% gay. The same applies to relationships, but there’s not enough awareness that there’s a wide spectrum between 100% monogamous and 100% polyamorous.

Rarely are people fully in one camp or the other. Rarely are relationships stuck to one form throughout their lifetime. Life is fluid, circumstances change, so do needs and wants. 

Relationships are a contract between two or more people – whatever works for them is the right path. 

Here’s my attempt to explain the spectrum and it’s not by any means a definitive list. 



The standard-issue relationship. Two partners (no matter the gender), exclusive to one another. The most socially accepted norm. 

Unethically non-monogamous

It appears in various forms, from the good-ole-fashioned cheating (it happens far more than people realize), to Don’t Ask Don’t Tell relationships, to seeing multiple people until one decides who to form a serious relationship with. 

Strangely – none of the behaviours above are seen as non-monogamy by the people practicing them. Most are convinced that they are monogamous and that their cheating is an exception, or that they could never be able to date several people, even though they do exactly that at the beginning of their relationships. 

Semi-open relationship

Many couples decide to spice things up, or just have fun together. Sometimes it’s swinging – they have sexual interactions with other couples or singles. Sometimes they may be dating one other person or a couple for a longer period of time. They do everything as a couple and any solo initiatives are considered cheating. 

Open-relationship with limitations

Both partners agree to have solo sexual adventures, but no relationships with others. Very often this is the opening stage for Hierarchical polyamory. 

Hierarchical polyamory 

Both can date others and have meaningful relationships with others. They love more than one person and that is accepted by everyone involved. 

There is a clear hierarchy though – primary partner, secondary partners. The primary partner is exactly that – a primary. Their interests, needs, wants come first, before those of other partners. For this to function, everyone in the relationship network needs to be fully comfortable with it. It usually works best when everyone involved has a primary partner and a hierarchical relationship. 

Non-hierarchical polyamory

No hierarchy, everyone is equal. It can take many forms, from Solo-poly (one person dating multiple other people, none of which are their primary partner), to full-blown communal living between several equal partners. 


Many people see different relationship styles as phases, as something you may do for a bit when you are young, between steady long-term relationships, or to spice things up. Freshen up the marriage with a visit to a sex club. Have a fun threesome during the Caribbean resort vacation. Have a one-night stand during a business trip. 

I see them as a defining aspect of who we are as people. We can choose to be in a monogamous relationship with someone, it doesn’t mean that we are monogamous. The same way a bisexual person can be in a heterosexual relationship and never experience interaction with the same sex, but they remain bisexual, that’s who they are at their core. It doesn’t mean they are unhappy – but it doesn’t change their sexual orientation. In the same sense, a poly person can be very happy in a committed, monogamous relationship, but it doesn’t change the fact that they are poly. 

This idea is not widely accepted, even among non-monogamous people. Relationship style is still seen as a choice one makes, not who they are. I think we need to keep an open mind, hear different opinions, and allow people to express themselves freely. 

Society is too quick to judge and label relationships. It’s often said that poly relationships can’t work in the long run. The fact is – they can. When they don’t, it’s usually because societal frames and limitations impact them. If we are all just a touch more respectful and accepting towards others, it will alleviate the societal pressure and allow more people to live the life they want and hope for.

Appreciation for Finer Things

One of the distinguishing characteristics of the True Hedonist is the disdain for mediocrity. In all aspects. You don’t want to have an OK drink, you want to have a great cocktail. You don’t want to have a meal to satisfy your hunger, you want a meal that will feed your soul as well. You don’t want to have sex just for the release, you want to have an experience that will engage all your senses.

Unfortunately, we live in a world overtaken by mediocrity. As long as it’s good enough, we don’t object to it. We don’t like our job, but it’s OK, it’s not that bad. We don’t like the food we are eating, but it’s fast and convenient. We don’t like the hotel where we spend our vacation, but it’s OK, it will do. “It will do” has defined our generation. And then – anything that is slightly better, is sold to us as a luxury and once-in-a-lifetime experience. That’s not the life you want. What you want is a life of magnificent experiences, where every breath you take is memorable, every taste creates excitement, every touch is an immersive adventure. That life does not happen by accident. That life does not come naturally. You have to create it consciously. You have to seek the building blocks of that life intentionally. 

Spend only one day going through your own possessions and see if they are bringing you pleasure. Start cleaning your life from things that do not belong there and add things that do. I am not a fan of minimalism. Hedonism is not minimalist – it’s generous, exciting, and astounding. But, it’s better to have a few finer things, than to have plenty of mediocre ones. Your life can be a life of a Hedonist, only if the elements in your life correspond to the hedonistic concepts. Start with the little things, one room at a time. First – the bathroom. Do you like your toothpaste? If not, discard it immediately. Same with the hand soap, shampoo, beauty accessories. Anything that doesn’t fulfill the basic standard of “this is good for me”, doesn’t belong in your life.

Move to the kitchen. Open the fridge. Are the items in it there merely to satisfy your hunger, or do they create a desire for eating when you see them? Does your liquor cabinet have the drinks that you like, the drinks that you would normally order when sitting at a nice bar? If you are now in the mood for a good cocktail, do you have the ingredients to make it? When you open that bottle of wine, does it wow you, can you appreciate every sip of it, or is it just something to accompany your meal?

Open your wardrobe next. Take out all your clothes and try them on, one by one. How do you look in them? How do they make you feel? Do these clothes represent who you are? Who you want to be? Who you want people to see? Or they are simply functional and get the job done. “It will do” is not what you want in your life. You want “This is good”, or even better – “This is great”. How many items in your home fall into that category and how many are simply “it will do”?

You have a decision to make. Are you going to continue to go with the flow of your life, with decisions others made for you, a life of willful ignorance and things happening without your input… or you will take charge of your destiny and be who you were always meant to be? You are capable of great things and you deserve a great life – but only you can make that happen. Clean up your life. Remove the average. Remove the mediocre. Remove the unfulfilling. Remove the unsatisfying. Remove it from your home, from your body, from your mind. 

Make room for greatness. 

Start filling your life with finer things. Finer things in your home, in your body, and in your mind. Pay attention to every element of your life. It starts with the removal of things that do not fit in your lifestyle and continues with adding the things that do. Surround yourself with beauty. Do you want to wake up in the morning to bed linen that feels good on your skin, or something that feels sticky and sweaty? Do you want to walk past a beautiful art in your hallway, or some random IKEA poster? Do you want the smell of freshly ground specialty coffee or just a random store brand that will give you a quick caffeine fix? Which one of those things will make you feel good? Which one of those things would make you want more? Which one of those things will tune you to a better mindset for the rest of the day?

Finer things are more expensive. Not nearly as expensive though as the realization that you’ve lived a life void of continuous, everyday pleasures. The want for those finer things will be a great motivator. It will push you to do more, do better, earn more, have a greater career, take risks and earn rewards. You can do it at any age and any stage in life. You don’t have to do it all at once, but you have to set yourself on the right path. Instead of having three Ikea prints that every other home has – buy one unique work of art. It will bring you more satisfaction than the other three, for sure. Instead of having two nights at a local pub, have one night at a great restaurant. The same goes for clothes, shoes, accessories. Start collecting finer things, start adding them to your life, one at a time. Sooner than you think, your life will be filled with items that contribute greatly to it.

Scroll to top