It’s exciting, arousing, fulfilling. It’s confusing, complex, frightening. It’s the most discussed sex topic, yet, it’s not discussed nearly enough. It’s the make or break point for great sex. It’s the perfect clash between passion and patience. It’s what distinguishes great lovers from mediocre ones.
Let’s talk about Foreplay.
There are tons of articles talking about the importance of foreplay, and they can all be summarized down to the need for female arousal and how to get there. I don’t think that’s all there is though.
Men and women have very different arousal processes and manifestations. Male arousal is seemingly pretty straightforward – once he has an erection, he is ready to go. It’s not that simple though. He may be aroused, but contrary to popular belief, that doesn’t always mean he is ready for sex. An erection can be a result of a number of things, not necessarily related to desire. However, it’s a fact that it’s far easier for men to reach a state of arousal compared to women and it’s also a fact that men are far more ready to move from arousal to intercourse.
Why is that? It’s down to simple anatomy.
The penis is an external organ – just like the fingers on our hands are. Yes, it’s far more sensitive than the fingers and it’s definitely more pleasurable to use it, but the mechanics of it are not that different. The vagina is internal. Just think about it… the man has to stick his external organ into the female body in order to have sex. The woman, on the other hand, has to open up a very tight opening in her body and receive 6 or more inches (hopefully) of someone else’s flash inside her own body cavity… repeatedly. It’s no wonder straight men (particularly those not fond of anal play on themselves) can’t understand it. The closest experience would be being at the dentist’s and having their fingers deep inside your mouth. It’s definitely not a pleasant experience. It’s shocking and overwhelming. It’s as uncomfortable and invasive as it can possibly get. Well… trying to push your way into a vagina without the proper preparation for it feels exactly the same way.
This is why it’s not enough only to create arousal before sex, the woman also needs a feeling of safety and control. This is why sometimes everything seems to be going perfectly well and then all of a sudden, just before the penetration begins, she backs off, has second thoughts, needs comforting. The biological process is overwhelming. She needs to feel aroused. She needs to be wet. She also needs to feel that she has control over the process – even if part of the play is her relinquishing that control to her partner (one has to have control in order to give it to someone else).
At the beginning
Before you even get to the foreplay, you need to work on the set-up (you can read a detailed explanation here).
The first step in successful foreplay is the conversation. The brain is the most important sexual organ. You can be the most handsome person in the world, yet one wrong statement can turn your partner off for good. If you want to be successful in your love life – build your mental library of information and the conversational skills needed to use it.
Everyone remembers the first kiss with a new partner. It’s exhilarating. It’s electrifying. Your lips touch their lips, but your whole body reacts to it. You can feel your skin getting goosebumps, you can feel your blood pressure rising, your pulse speeding up. Your brain gets foggy. The butterflies…
It’s arousing. It shouldn’t be rushed. It’s better to have a lengthy make-out session than miss out on the benefits it will bring.
While we enjoy the experience that the kiss brings, the hands begin to wander. It’s a manifestation of the urge we feel at that moment – the need to connect with our partner’s body. The attempt to connect physically, to unite the bodies, to be closer, to be inside one another.
The hand on their face while we kiss them. The hand on the back of their head. Our fingers in their hair. Touching their neck. Our hands behind on their back, pulling them closer. Two bodies grinding against each other, simulating the motion of the end game, making us want them more.
Don’t rush the next move. Too many men rush to get their hands on their partner’s breasts or ass. It’s a huge mistake. These are sensitive areas of the female body. Not only she needs to be ready, but she also needs to crave your touch. Build that desire slowly. When your hands finally reach the erogenous zones of her body, it should be a culmination of that build-up, not a pre-mature boob grab. To give an example that most men would understand – it’s no different than her grabbing your cock when it’s fully erect and you are aroused, compared to doing the same straight off the bat while you are still flaccid. The former is far more exciting and invigorating.
If this is your first time with a new partner, be cautious. Every person has different triggers, different turn-ons, different intensities. While some women like their breasts played with hard and having their nipples sucked and bit, others do not. Play with your tongue first before you decide to use your teeth. Start slower, see how she reacts, and then build up. Don’t be engulfed in your own hormonal wave, observe her reactions. Her body will tell you with great clarity whether you are doing something right, whether you need to slow down or push harder. Don’t do what you think women want. Don’t do what you want. Do what she wants. Your return in pleasure will be tenfold.
The butt is just as sensual and it’s even more important during foreplay. Your hands on her butt are not only pulling her towards you and intensifying the grinding, but they are now for the first time in the vicinity of her genital area. Every squeeze, pressure, move, will be reflected and felt by her vagina as well. If you go harder than she wants she’ll feel violated. Take your time. Admire the curves.
Don’t spend too long on any one spot. Move your hands between her face, her neck, her breasts, her ass, her thighs… see which creates the most positive vibe and reaction, and put extra effort there.
All of the above is what I call – soft foreplay. Next week I’ll elaborate more on hard foreplay – fingering, oral sex, spanking, toys.