Continuing the series on foreplay. This article is directed at my male readers, but I welcome all female readers to contribute with their thoughts and experiences. 

There are thousands of articles on how to perform good oral sex. There’s so much info out there, from sex experts, from sex bloggers, from all kinds of magazines, trying to solve the mystery of cunnilingus and turn you into a better lover. Move your tongue clockwise. Move your tongue counterclockwise. Switch between intervals of going around, then moving up and down. Suck on the clit. Press with your tongue. Bite gently… Generally, all decent advice, that will generally produce a decent result… But none of that would give that bone-shaking, earth-shattering, vision-blurring, I-don’t-care-if-I-die-right-now kind of orgasm. There’s only one skill that can do that. It’s a skill that gives you an absolute superpower when it comes to sex, particularly when giving oral. It’s the Power of Observation! 

Living a poly life, I’ve been with many partners, too many to count. There’s one thing I know for sure – not one of them had the same path to a great orgasm. Every person is different. Their mental state is different. Their emotional state is different. Their physical responses are different. As I said – you can use general advice and get generally decent results, but that’s not what we should be after. We should seek great, not just good enough.

So what does this magical superpower of observation look like?

First of all, don’t miss the previous steps needed – the set-up and the foreplay. When done right, they will set the tone for the next stage – naked bodies and intimate play. When you are ready to go down on her, don’t rush it. Going directly for the target means missing out on the build-up and that build-up is what will give you better results. Enjoy her naked body. You’ve been kissing, touching, playing with her breasts, now move slowly down. Kisses, gentle bites, unexpected licks here and there… Don’t stop at her vagina – keep kissing her thighs. Get close to the coveted spot, but don’t go for it just yet. Play with your tongue around the mound, without touching the clit, or the labia. The anticipation is building the adrenaline up. It will only increase the desire. Don’t overdo it. Read her signals. The motion of her lower body, her hands, her sounds, will all give you the signal when you should actually begin. Don’t forget at any time – this is all about her. Derive your pleasure from her pleasure. Observe, pay attention to every single detail. Don’t rush to get to the part where you receive pleasure. Do it right and you will be rewarded tenfold. 

When the time is right, don’t go straight for the clit, especially if you are with a new partner. Not every woman reacts the same. For some, the tip of the clit is the most sensitive and arousing area. For others, it’s the area just below it, pressing the clit from just underneath. Yet for others, it’s the labia and not the clit at all. I’ve had partners for whom the best orgasms happened when playing with the space just under the vaginal opening while stimulating the tip of the clit didn’t do anything. It’s rare, but it happens. When you start playing with your tongue, take about 30 seconds to explore. It’s a very complex area with many parts and nerve endings. Not all are created equal. Do several gentle rounds with your tongue and see where does she react with the highest intensity. That’s where the main focus should be. Listen to her body and reactions. They will tell you if you need to be gentler or go harder. They will tell you if you need to go faster or slower. There’s nothing more annoying than men who have gotten great results with one partner by doing a certain thing and then trying to replicate that thing with every other partner. Believe me, at that point a woman can tell that you are licking A pussy, not HER pussy. 

Some women do like a more intense touch – they like their clit sucked hard, they like small bites (hard bites are never good, it’s a very gentle area and you can cause a lot of unwanted pain). Some are the exact opposite. If you observe their body, you will know which one is right. 

As much as I don’t believe in general sex advice, as I don’t believe that there’s no one-move-fits-all, and every person is different, something that has been my favorite and I use it often is to gently lift up the skin covering the clit with your thumb, that part that looks like a hoodie, to reveal the tip of the clit. Be VERY careful with it. It’s covered for a reason. It’s extremely sensitive and it’s not used to physical touch. As a comparison, it’s way more sensitive than the tip of the penis, even for uncut men. Once you lift the skin, play with your tongue. Only your tongue. Never use teeth here. It’s an electrifying experience for her. It’s one of the most sensitive parts of the body. It’s the only organ in the human body, male or female, whose sole purpose is to create a feeling of pleasure. Every other organ has at least one more function. The clit is just for pleasure. Its reason for existence is pure hedonism. 

To finger or not to finger, that is the question?

The use of fingers during oral can greatly contribute to her pleasure, or it can detract from it. How do you know whether to do it or not? Simple – observe. First, I would advise against using the full arsenal at once. Give each element the time it needs to cause the wanted effect. Once you’ve established play in a certain spot, only then add something else. You can’t go directly for the clit and at the same time shove your fingers inside. It’s rushed, it kills the build-up. You can maybe do that with a long-term partner, where you already know that that is exactly what she wants, but otherwise – take your time. When it comes to finger play, my preferred timing is right after the first orgasm. Create the first orgasm with your tongue, then up the ante. Whatever you do, do not rush it. No matter how wet she is, the vaginal opening is very, very small. The muscles there need to allow you in, otherwise, you will cause tearing. Besides, it’s much better for her to really want you to go in because she is burning with desire, than for her to flinch at the discomfort of a rushed move. 

Move your fingers around the opening. Start moving just the tip of your finger in and out, only up to the first knuckle. Then the second knuckle. Then the whole finger. Don’t stop playing with your tongue. The whole point is to add layers to the play and increase the pleasure. Once you are inside, it’s not a one-move-satisfy-all kind of situation. Every vagina is different. Just like men’s penises are different in size and shape, so are women’s clits. Some are longer and go all the way around the vagina walls, down to the membrane that separates the vagina and the anal cavity. Some are shorter. Therefore, inside the vagina, different parts are sensitive in different women. I’ve had experiences with some women where pressing on the bottom of the vagina, towards her anus, causes a gushing squirting orgasm. With others, it won’t do anything, or it can even be uncomfortable. It’s the same thing for the famous G spot. For some women it works like a charm, press the right spot and her moaning will wake up the neighbourhood. For others, it doesn’t contribute much. 

The most important thing though, when it comes to performing oral sex on a woman is to not have any expectations of her. She may not orgasm, no matter what efforts you put into it. And it may not be up to you. She may have a very quiet and mild orgasm. She may have a screaming, gushing, you-need-a-new-mattress-after-this kind of orgasm. When giving her oral, you are the one performing, for her. She should not feel like she needs to perform. The fewer expectations you put on her, the less pressure she feels, the more likely is that she will enjoy it fully and not be in her head. Some women have absolute confidence and don’t have a problem with this, some do. In both cases though – your job is to give her the best possible experience she can have. The only way to do that is to observe, listen to her reactions, follow her movements. Raise the intensity slightly, until you can sense that it’s too much, then dial it down a notch. Play with different areas, until you find the one that gives the strongest reaction.

Why should you do all that?

You mean, besides the great feeling of giving another human being pleasure? For purely selfish reasons. Because a woman who has had a great oral orgasm (or preferably a string of those) will want you with every fiber of her body and the sex that will follow will be out of this world.