The wrong
Often used interchangeably, sex and hedonism are inseparable. Human sexuality is a driving force and has been at fault for many good and bad decisions. The hormonal effect of arousal is known to mess with our minds, our self-control, with our ability to think straight and act properly. When aroused, we violate all rules, cross all lines, as if we are high on a drug that has taken over all controls. Or… that’s what we’ve been told and taught for generations. I say that’s absolute nonsense (bullshit is the more appropriate word though). It’s only an excuse people use to justify the censorship surrounding it. Throughout history, sex, the most pleasurable of all human activities, has earned itself a negative rep, and almost every religion, or society, has tried to suppress it and control it.
Even today, when most people in the western world do not subscribe to a particular religious dogma, our views on sex are still heavily influenced by it. Sure, we’ve come a long way in the last 100 years, there’s progress, there’s a lot of legislative change… but the public opinion and attitudes have not changed that much. We still see it as something that is not to be talked about and the attempts to do so are still seen as provocative. There’s awkwardness around this topic, even when brought up among close friends… even between sexual partners. Most people have sex with their partner, while never having a conversation about it. We feel embarrassed talking about it. Since we were little, we were taught not to talk about sex, to avoid seeing sex scenes in films, not to watch porn, not to have sex freely, and to “save it” for someone special. The myth of “the special one” is still present today, as it ever was.
The harm
Because of the taboo surrounding it, we often don’t make a distinction between talk about sex with the purpose of discussion, information, exchange of experiences, and talk about sex with the purpose of arousal. Neither one is wrong, but they are very different. The more acceptable conversations about sex become, the more the myth about sex is dissipated, the better the quality of our lives will be. We will be able to understand other people better, particularly of the opposite gender, we will be able to communicate better on all levels, and we’ll be able to improve the relationships we have with our partners. Normalizing sex takes away the spotlight from it. It allows us to focus on all other aspects of human interaction, on building quality connection, where sex ends up being a result of the said connection, not a reason for it.
It’s outright ridiculous to not be able to talk openly about sex. It’s an activity that’s practically done by everyone, to one extent or another. It’s an activity that most people enjoy. It’s an activity that is responsible for the creation of almost all humans (in vitro being the exception). We talk about a lot more insignificant things in far greater detail. If you are at a cocktail party, it would be perfectly acceptable for the attendees to have a lengthy and elaborate discussion about which running shoes are better and discuss the pros and cons of each brand and type of shoe. Yet… I doubt you’ve witnessed the same discussion, with the same ease and casualness about which condoms are best to use and pros and cons to different brands and lubricants.
This image has been making the rounds on social media. It suggests all the different ways in which we can get more “happiness chemicals” in our brain. Dopamine, the reward chemical; Oxytocin, the love hormone; Endorphin, the pain killer; Serotonin, the mood stabilizer.
There’s an array of options, different for each of the hormones – food, sleep, socializing, exercising, laughing, walks… everything, except the most obvious one. Sex. A simple orgasm will give you all of these chemicals in abundance! It’s a far simpler solution and a far more pleasurable one.
The importance
Why is sex important to the true hedonist? Because the true hedonist lives for pleasure and there’s no greater pleasure than sex. With the rare exceptions, usually for medical reasons, most people find the pleasure from sex better than anything else. If done right, it’s a pleasure on all levels – physical, emotional, mental. Please note that I said – “If done right”. Too often sex is done wrong, mostly as a consequence of that accepted awkwardness that exists around talking about it. Partners rarely communicate what they like, what they want, what they don’t like, what they miss. There’s a huge gap in understanding between men and women when it comes to sex. A popular myth says that women don’t want sex as much as men. That’s not true. It’s an absolute lie.
Women like and want sex, just as much as men, maybe even more… the only difference is – women like good sex.
If a woman has good quality sex regularly, then she will want more of it. Two minutes of sweaty shaking under 180lbs of hairy skin is no one’s idea of good times! Men need to understand that they need to put the right effort and build-up for a woman to have a good experience. Women need to feel safe and comfortable to be able to communicate their needs directly, without hesitation, or shame. Not doing so, deprives both partners of reaching the maximum pleasure that their relationship can provide – and that is not hedonistic at all.
The solution
When I use the term “sex” I don’t mean just the act of coitus. I am talking about the whole concept of human sexuality. It involves so many details – from how we dress, look, talk, act, down to understanding the partner’s signals and reactions and responding to them in kind. When both partners (of whatever gender) are paying attention to the other, then the act of sex is a beautiful experience unlike any other. It doesn’t matter if it’s a one-night stand or a lifetime partnership – both can and should be equally beautiful and meaningful. I often hear the expression “meaningless sex”. I genuinely don’t understand that concept. There’s no such thing for me as “meaningless sex”. All sex is meaningful. It may be one time only, just a few moments spent with a stranger – yet, at that very moment, it’s the most beautiful and meaningful experience we can have. A true hedonist lives for pleasure – their own and the pleasure of others. There probably aren’t many things in this world more pleasurable than being the cause of the ecstasy of your partner.
Talking about sex doesn’t take away the magic from it, as it’s often said. It adds to it. Couples who talk about sex regularly, have far better and more active sex life than those who don’t. So… talk!
